One time after class, a student pulled me aside and told me that she cried during class. She was worried that I might think she was nuts and asked if anyone had ever done this before. How much time do you have?, I thought of asking her. I told her that she’s NOT crazy, and that this can be a normal process of working emotional issues out of her body.
When we engage in asana and pranayama (movement and breathing, respectively) in our yoga practice—whether it’s at home or in a class setting, we are unlocking much stuck energy that over time, has settled into our bodies and made a comfortable, yet unwanted home within us. For me, this energy was in the form of unprocessed trauma. Most of the time, we’re not even aware of it for what it is. I know I wasn’t.
But it manifests as emotional stress, tight, achy muscles, pain of unknown origin, fatigue, anger, depression, anxiety, and the unrelenting triggers that trauma causes. Breathing, stretching, twisting–and learning to feel all of our sensations as we move through our practice–it all moves our bodies in such a manner as to unleash the toxic juju we carry around. Sometimes it can well up to the surface and release through tears.
In my early years of practicing yoga, I would be in a pose like down dog or revolved triangle, and watch the tears fall to my mat, or lay in a supine twist and feel the tears streaming down the sides of my face. I had no idea where this emotional stuff was coming from. Even though I was already on the other side of several trauma experiences, the very word “trauma” wasn’t even in my vocabulary so I didn’t realize what was happening to me on my mat.
Once I understood, it was OK. I learned in my training (and it made sense in my practice) that aside from having cognitive memories of past trauma (emotional OR physical), our bodies also hold the memory of that trauma. We can spend years in therapy, working out the cognitive stuff. But the body memory still needs to be processed and released. This can happen through yoga.
One of the world’s leading authorities on trauma is Dr. Bessel van der Kolk. In his groundbreaking book, The Body Keeps The Score, he says “A major challenge in recovering from trauma remains being able to achieve a state of total relaxation and safe surrender.” He is an ardent supporter of yoga and the fact that he has authored or co-authored several research studies on the subject prove this.
As a result of trauma, we don’t feel safe in our bodies. Heck, we don’t even feel our bodies. When I walked out of my first ever yoga class and felt–really felt–the absence of anger (you know, the stuff that idles just below the surface in a perpetual state of readiness to explode through our words and our fists?), it was a glimpse into getting in touch with feeling sensations that had long disappeared from my life. Scary? You bet.
These days, I know I’m in trouble when I notice that I’m spending a lot of time in my head (READ: not feeling). But I’m not alone in there. Worry is with me. So is Fear. Oh, and Anger may even squeeze in when it gets the chance. That’s when I say to myself, Get back on your mat.
When I step onto and into that sacred space, I re-enter the place that is my feeling space. And man, do I ever feel–my body, my heart, my hurt. I can safely surrender to these sensations. On really good days I can even relax into them. Then I tell Worry, Fear, and Anger that they are taking up valuable space in my head and can leave now, thank you very much.
Still a work in progress.
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