An Imperfect Pilgrim first started 35 years ago when I began to sense the need to put my story down on paper. The idea of writing this book was frightening because I knew I would have to go back in time and relive the memories of loss and abuse that live within my past…the memories that belong in the long period of darkness I have since recovered from. Was I ready to relive those parts of my life again? I’ve since made it to the other side of that awful place, and I wasn’t sure I even could endure going back there to retrieve those memories. However, it was a voice, a whisper in my ear and then a tap on my shoulder, a nagging that grew louder and louder until eventually, I knew I should begin this journey. Throughout that period, the voice told me that “the time was now” to begin, but I just didn’t know why. What purpose would it serve? How, if at all, would sharing my story serve the greater good? I let go of this question and let time move on, having faith that the answer would appear when the stars were perfectly aligned. After some time had passed, I took a closer look and saw the answer materialize in front of me: inspire hope. With a lingering fear that reliving the past could send me backward in my recovery, the bigger fear was that I would have lived through it all for nothing. I had to share. This was the driving force.
The process of taking my story and putting it down on paper took place in many different locations, some in the mountains and some deep within the woods. Some in libraries and some in city apartments far from home. I wrote wherever I felt inspired and comfortable as I laid my heart out on the pages. It was when seeing my life played out on the paper in front of me that I stopped writing. Years went by, and the voice returned, encouraging me to finish what I had started. I didn’t listen until the aftermath of a major car accident left me incapacitated for several months. There, laying in my bed and unable to do anything else, I began writing once again and An Imperfect Pilgrim was reborn.
Throughout this cathartic–and oftentimes tearful–process, I came to the realization that my past is not something I could or would ever forget, nor should I. It has, in truth, shaped me into the person I am today, and has informed everything I do. I know what joy is because I also know what despair is. I know that I live in spiritual and emotional abundance because I know what it’s like to have lost the most important parts of me. This book has helped me realize that sharing my story is not so I can move on past my trauma, but so others who are struggling with their own demons can see that recovery is possible. A friend asked me in the beginning why I was writing the book and I said, “because if I don’t share with others what I went through, it would have been worth nothing. It was worth going through because I can use my experience as a tool of empowerment for others to keep going, to move beyond their pain, to believe that where they are now is not the end of their journey.”
My journey is one filled with trauma, loss, struggle, depression, and hopelessness. As I reflect on my story, I know I will never be in that terrible place again because of the generous people and life-saving resources I’ve acquired along the way. Sharing these resources and the details of how I came out of this dark period was meant to inspire hope in others who may be suffering like I was. It wasn’t about me anymore, it become about helping others. With that said, my story is also one of determination, survival, joy and ultimately, hope. I believe that if we open up and share our experiences, talk about our pain, our shame, our fears, we can help others discover that they are not alone in their own healing journey. My wish is that my story becomes a narrative of hope and that readers gain an understanding that peace and recovery are always possible, no matter where you are in your journey.
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